


I'm Sure I'll Be The One They Blame (But They Can't Prove Anything)

by PBJellie



Category: South Park
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - High School, F/M, Gaslighting, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-03-03 17:52:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13346403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PBJellie/pseuds/PBJellie
Summary: Eric Cartman does not respond well to the news of Heidi breaking up, he never does. They'll get back together though, they always do.





	I'm Sure I'll Be The One They Blame (But They Can't Prove Anything)

**Author's Note:**

> This whole thing is problematic for many reasons. I might continue it, but like I also might orphan it, idk. I'm trying to Kafka some shit from high school, so I thought hey, why not use the unhealthy South Park couple. This note is weird. I'm weird. They're 18, but that doesn't really make this better. 
> 
> But yeah, told from Cartman's perspective, and trigger warning, because it's awful.

“Heidi says she b-breaks up,” Tweek said, jittering in place. 

“Like hell she does! Where is that bitch?” Eric roared, puffing up his chest as he squared his shoulders. 

“Ngh,” the blonde boy did not back down, cementing his feet. “She du-doesn't want to t-t-talk to you!” He shrieked, meeting Eric's eyes. 

“Where is she?” Hiding with your sissy boyfriend? I bet they're screwing in the supply closet, aren't they? That whore would seduce anyone, even her best friend's man. A dick is a dick to that succubus. She'd let Craig put it in her ass; she's such a slut. Where is she?” 

Tweek just rolled his eyes, wrapping a lock of hair around his finger and yanking. He turned his back to Eric, sprinting down the hall. 

Eric watched, figuring that Tweek and Heidi have similar ass shapes. Well they do now, he had put Heidi on a diet. She didn't have discipline, so he lent her his. 

The halls were emptying as Eric stomped to Lit Class. A mousy boy, maybe 5' 4”, was staring. He squeaked and scurried away when Eric popped his shoulders. His locker was left open, green door creaking as it wavered. A giant hand, knuckles scarred from fighting, ripped the contents off the locker to the floor. A Colorado history book fell open, breaking the spine. A black boot stepped on it for good measure. He relished in the sickening crunch.

It wasn't that twink's glasses, but it was close. Butter would have been snapping those oversized frames while they were still on his face. How was that twitchy little fucker so blind that he needed bifocals?

Maybe he couldn't see Eric grinding his teeth, and that's why piss didn't dribble down his leg. The boy was chicken shit, the whole town knew it. Crying to Craig the moment things got uncomfortable. He probably did pee his pants, and the denim was too dark to show it. Tweek had to have been scared of him. 

He stomped again, stupid freshmen. They should know not to look at him. He owned this school.

“Mr. Cartman, how nice of you to finally grace us with your presence,” the shriveled old bag of a teacher warbled. 

“Of course, Mrs. Beak, I'd hate to miss your class,” he half snarled, making his way to his desk. 

“It's Mrs. Johnson, young man.” It probably was, but Eric couldn't be bothered to remember these things. She wasn't important. Her nose was huge, even bigger than Kyle's, and her salt and pepper hair was perched upon her head in a fly away nest. Hence her name was Mrs. Beak. Simple, really. 

There were two months of school left, it's not like he was going to commit new shit to memory now. Might as well just hand out the diplomas and be done with it. He certainly wasn't reading the book she assigned. 

Something about clocks and oranges. She had asked the class to be mature about the subject matter, chirping on about how the themes were intense, but they were almost adults. He knew that trick. Garrison, may he burn in hell, had tricked them with “Catcher in the Rye.” All that book did was turn Butters into a sociopath. 

But that was only a matter of time, look at the kid for a minute and you'd have know he was due for a nervous breakdown. His hella crazy family should get the credit for that, not some lame book with hardly any cuss words. 

Eric stared at the chalkboard, imagining cracking Tweek's skull until the bell rang. 

When the bell finally dismissed them, fuck Mrs. Beak the bell means it's over, not her permission, crazy old hag, Eric rushed to the student parking lot. So what if he smashed the toes of a few slow moving underclassmen? They should work on taking up less space. That or move faster. Shit, he thought prey was supposed to move quickly. He had cheated his way through Bio, so he might have been wrong. 

He leaned against the hood of Heidi's blue Toyota. It had fuzzy dice hanging from the rear-view mirror, and even if it weren't for those purple atrocities he had her license plate memorized. 

Eric could always find Heidi. 

He was sure of that. 

And there the bitch was.

“Eric,” her voice was soft as she stared at her canvas shoes. They weren't interesting, a dull black, dull like her. “Eric, this isn't a good idea.” 

“Oh Heidi,” he poured on the charm, batting his eyes a few times. She was a sucker for this shit, it worked every time. “I just spent my whole English class thinking about you. I couldn't even focus; I just kept seeing your beautiful face framed by your curly hair. I can't imagine my life without you. I don't want to live without you. I can't live without you.” 

Eric sniffed, wiping at his eyes with his Letterman jacket. He lettered in football, the best damn lineman in this podunk town. The jacket was his damn ticket out, away from this godawful place. He sniffed again, peering over the sleeve. She was eating this shit up. She always did. One comment about offing himself and she was misty eyes, begging him to stay, promising that they'd work on it. And she'd try harder. 

All it took was accidentally shooting himself in the foot for her to take him seriously. It helped that they were in front of a crowd and he had cried big crocodile tears over their breakup. Sure, it hurt like hell, but he had survived. And Heidi felt indebted. He could read her like a book. 

Not that he read very often. 

“Eric,” she rubbed at her neck, “I just figured we'd break up for college anyway. You have that scholarship to LSU because you're such a terrific football player. And I didn't get in, obviously because I'm not, uh, smart like you. So I thought it'd be better to end it now.” 

“Oh honey,” his arms encompassed her waist with little effort. “Heidi-bear, you know what I said about thinking. Do you remember?”

“I'm not great at it, so I should leave it to you, snookums.” Her arms were around him, he could feel the leather give. 

“Remember, we're just gonna do long distance. We are dedicated.” Eric had planned on sleeping around at college, but he wanted Heidi for breaks and summers. Or at least until the end of this summer. He'd make up his mind as the time came. He didn't want to have blue balls for the next five months. 

“I know, but what if you find someone better?” They were no longer intertwined. Heidi pulled on her hair, refusing to make eye contact. She'd been spending too much time with the homos, it was rubbing off on her. He'd worry about curtailing it some other time, once they were back together. Maybe in their post coitus snuggles, just slip in how he thinks Tweek and Craig are bad influences. Distracting her from her studies. 

Eric had never met a smart person so convinced they were an idiot. 

He hadn't even sent her application in to his college. He didn't want to be followed. Why did Heidi think she could just tag along for his sweet ride to fame? He had shredded the large folder, then forged a refusal letter in March. It was past all the other colleges admission deadlines so she'd go to the community college. He had convinced her not to apply anywhere else, that having backups was a sign of weakness and she should have faith in herself. 

It was almost shocking how trusting she was. Lord knew he didn’t deserve it. He gave her a quick kiss, his hands squeezing her ass. She had been doing the workouts he suggested to keep her pudginess in check. She knew how important it was to him to have a pretty girlfriend. 

He hopped into the front seat, the car sinking underneath him. His chauffeur would drive him home like she did everyday. What was she thinking trying to dump him when she was his ride home?

Obviously, she needed a constant reminder of him. 

She chattered away about math class as they drove through town. He wasn't listening, he was far too busy trying to hatch a plan so she could remember she was his. Something strong enough for while he was gone. 

“Babe,” he interrupted, something about fractoids, or whatever, it's not like he gave a shit. “We should take a couple's vacation this weekend. Have some alone time at the lake, just you and me.” 

His hand was on her thigh, pushing up her green skirt. No way Heidi would have organically thought to break-up. She was wearing his favorite skirt, the one that flipped up for easy access. It must have been Tweek and Craig's idea. Goddamn queers were always trying to ruin his life, something about the Holocaust. They must be jealous of his great relationship, seen a rival for Prom King and Queen, even though they were both queens to him. 

“I've got a shift at the drugstore. I'd love to babe, but I can't.” She was trembling as he ran a thumb over her cotton panties.

“I just thought our relationship was so important to you, you know?” His thumb moved in circles, his fingernail gently scraping over her clit. She was wetting her panties as they just talked, she was fucking starstruck. 

“Oh,” she moaned as she fought to hold her his down, “it's important to me, Eric. The most important. I love you, but maybe we should stop.” 

“Your actions say otherwise, pancake. I'd think you didn't like me. It just makes me so depressed.” His hand kept moving. He smirked as her hips lifted off of the seat, causing her to gun the gas. 

“Eric, I'm serious,” she whimpered, knuckles white around the steering wheel. “Cut it out.” 

Maybe he would have taken her seriously if that last bit hadn't come out in a high pitched whine, but it was doubtful. Sexually flustered Heidi was his favorite Heidi. It made her the best version of herself. Docile. Complaint. Obedient. 

All highly valued traits.

“I'm serious too, Heidi. If our relationship is important, you'll take the weekend off.” He slipped underneath her panties, rolling her clit between his thumb and forefinger. 

“Okay, okay,” she panted, face red, “I'll call in, whatever you want. Just stop, it's embarrassing.”

“Great,” he said in a low voice, letting it rumble around the car. “But you don't really want me to stop, do you?” He plunged a finger in as she gasped. “Why would you want to stop something that feels so good?” 

“Eric, not now,” she moaned, desperately trying to hit her left turn signal.

“You know you want to,” Eric leaned over, exhaling in her ear. When she jumped, he took it as an invitation to add another finger. “Why not drive us to Stark's Pond? Deep down I know you want to get some action. My dick would feel great right now, wouldn't it?” 

“Uh-huh,” she moaned. There she was, his zombie puppet. Put enough fingers in her and she'd agree to anything. “Take 'em out and I'll drive us there.” 

She made a U-turn at the street before his house as he continued moving at a steady rhythm. Stop? He didn't know the meaning of the word. She panted and squirmed, biting her lip to keep in the involuntary sounds. She always put up such a fight, and for what? Just to pull the car into the lot behind the pond, so she could writhe underneath him, begging for just cock. 

And this afternoon went the same as the others had gone. Heidi pressed over the backseat as his balls slapped into her skin. The best part about car sex was the lack of feeble hugging and feeling sharing. She'd just drive them home, face flushed, while Eric reclined the seat all the way back. 

He deserved the nap. He did all the work. It was simple economics. He had heard about market demand. 

He strolled into the house, nodding as Heidi cried out her goodbyes. After he jammed the key in the door, he was greeted by his mother. His overpowering, controlling, possessive, but undeniably his, mother. She was lucky he didn't call CPS more as a kid. 

“Poopsykins, how was your day?” Her face was turned up in a sneer, lips showing her teeth as her eyes narrowed. 

“God Mom, get off of my case!” He yelled, storming into the kitchen. Coach said he had to stay buff for LSU. Cheesy Poofs kept him in top physical form, an impenetrable wall of muscle on the field. 

“Okay sweetie.” he was thankful for her finally relenting. “Anything I can help with?” 

“If you insist, Mam. So nosy. I need to borrow Jimbo's cabin this weekend. Then I need you to get me a bag full of Smarties, and sort them by color.” He threw himself onto the couch, four Cheesy Poofs sticking out of his mouth. 

“Oh, Sugar Bear, it's Thursday night, that might be a little short notice. I don't want you to get your hopes too high.” 

“But Mooooom,” he squealed, letting his voice grow loud enough to rattle the china cabinet, “if Heidi and I don't go to the lake tomorrow, we're gonna break up! I don't think I can handle living in a world where we're not together.” He threw in a fake sob for good measure. 

“Oh, I'll talk to Jimbo. I'm sure we can work something out. It'll work out Eric, don't worry.” She fished around in her purse as she adjusted her hair. 

“Don't forget the Smarties!” He shouted as she closed the door. 

She didn't forget them. They were sorted into eight separate sandwich bags when he woke up in the morning. Along with a handwritten note, saying she loved him and to be safe at the lake. They key was taped to the bottom of the page. 

He ripped the paper, tearing his mother's loopy signature in half in an effort to free the key. 

At least she had done the small task correctly. He stuffed the candy into his bag, fingering the key for a few moments, before sliding it into his pocket. The note stayed on the table . The ripped pieces fluttered under the fan as he texted Heidi to pack a bag.

She was back to her obedient trusting self. When she pulled up to his driveway she popped the trunk, leaving room for him to stow his green duffle bag next to her purple suitcase, a too big thing with wheels and a handle. 

He bet there was at least ten outfits in there. None of them lingerie. Obviously she didn't get the memo that they weren't to be leaving the cabin. 

He didn't listen to her as she prattled on and on about lakes and couples bonding. He thinks he heard something about a workbook, but he wasn't sure. He wasn't going to do worksheets over his weekend. How could he be bothered to listen to her? It was just so fucking boring. Sometimes he thought the effort for this relationship wasn't worth it. The sex was good, and he supposed they did look nice standing next to each other, even if she was a bit dowdy. 

She was wearing pants today, not her usual material either. Thick denim, starchy and generally unyielding to his touches. Her shirt was loose enough. 

“Eric! We're on our way to school.” His hand was rubbing under her shirt, pulling on the silky shoulder straps of her bra. Probably one he had bought for her, saying it was a special secret and only he should ever see it. All of his gifts were secrets. He told her it strengthened the relationship. 

“Heidi, let's skip. We've got the cabin, just take a three day weekend.” 

“You know I'm not smart enough to skip. You told me to come to school with that stomach bug last month. If I get behind I'll never catch up.” He did tell her to come to school while sick, to make sure she wasn't lying. Maybe she was fucking Kyle behind his back, he couldn't be sure. He was torn between wanting his alone time and making sure his whore didn't spread her legs for the whole damn school. 

“It'll be fine,” he goaded, pressing his fingers into her collarbone. “I can help you with anything. Don't you trust me?” She was in accelerated courses, things he couldn't wrap his mind around even if he wanted to. He had told her that he took basic classes because he needed to focus on football, and she believed it. How could he be faulted for lying to someone so gullible? 

“Of course I trust you,” she stammered, eyes darting to her right to look at him for a short moment. He pulled his hand away, letting it rest in his lap. 

“Then go to the lake, so we can work on our relationship. You mean so much to me, Heidi.” 

“You mean so much to me too, babe,” she agreed. “Do we need to get groceries for the cabin?” 

Of course the cabin needed groceries, but there was no need for this “we” bullshit. Only one person needed to go and buy food and that was Heidi. She knew what he liked. It was easy to remember. Bring back some good food or go back out and reshop. 

“Just drop me off and I'll make sure the heater is working. Scare away all the bears, too.” 

“Okay, whatever you say, Eric.” She was damn right. It was whatever he said. She listened to him and that's the only way any of this ever worked out.


End file.
